Gratitude Day 1

Today I am grateful for being born.. When I was a teenager I contemplated suicide I tested the waters of cutting, hurting myself, over the counter prescriptions.. I am glad I wasn't foolish enough to really hurt myself..

My life may not be great.. but.. I do have the love of my life at my side, 2 children.. my puppy and a wonderful father..

Thank you universe for letting me be born.. for gifting me this life.. From now on I will be thankful for something each day .. no matter how small.. how minuscule..

Today is day one of my gratitude.. my thankfulness..

Today I am alive.

A little bit broken.

Feeling a bit heartbroken today... I talked to my son in Canada today and he was expecting me to come home for his grade 8 graduation.. WE were unable to afford it even tho it is still 5 months away.. WE all know it.. since I got fired (for the first time ever) from the job that was supposed to get us there.. WE are barely scratching the surface.. WE are behind in rent barely scraping to get petrol and food month.. and yes.. we are going through IVF.. it is paid for my my DH's Brother..
he told me it would be ok to not go as long as I was there for his grade 12 grad which is 4 years away.. I told him I would be there I promised him and I will not break this promise.. Would be so much easier if he would just come here and be with us.. WE would only have to pay one air fare instead of 3.. and I don't travel well anymore.. When we got here my legs were so swollen and I felt like crap for weeks.. He had the choice whether or not to come here with us..we wanted him to come so fricken badly as we had hoped things would be great and we would be able to see him sooner then later.
I feel like such a bad parent at the moment really and truly.. a bit broken.. I mean here is my son a million miles away and here I am about to go through IVF in less then a weeks time.. how is that fair to him?
I wish someone would give me the answers as at this moment I see myself turning into my mother and that makes me very very... sad.

IVF

So now I am playing the waiting game... I really am one of the most impatient people I know and having to wait to do things really is such a pain in my bottom!

So next week hopefully I will start jabbing my chubby belly with needles.. lots of needles.. Did I tell you I have a phobia of needles? Thankfully its not as bad as it used to be I atleast do not faint any longer when I come across one! After speaking to the Fertility Nurse last week my ovaries are apparently tired.. haha.. Well I am 37 years old almost 38! The rest of me isn't feeling that great either! But in all seriousness I am really hoping for a good result first time up as just cannot afford to do it more than once. My husbands brother is loaning us the money from the goodness of his heart (and his wives) so that they can see us with children of our own. I can never express the gratitude I feel over them doing this for us. All said tho.. we do have to pay them back and at this moment in time we are so far behind in everything because of what happened last october we aren't sure if we will ever catch up! (I'll talk about that in a future blog post for sure)

So anyways.. one week to go then it really gets exciting!

tata
Barb!

And I thought the last time was awhile.... heh.

Well I didn't think I would come back to blogging.. I just felt like I was preaching to the crowd of ' We don't care' heh.. But ah well I'm back for a bit..

The above photo is of my son and daughter a couple of years ago.. My daughter is now 16 and my son almost 14. Wow! So just when they are getting all grown up my husband of 10 years and I have decided we are going to try and hopefully succeed at IVF. Are we a bit crazy? Uhhuh... :) But we are both still younger.. (him more then I) and heck I have alot of newly acquired things that I would love to teach a younger one and practice a whole new different method of parenting.. I think it may be nice to raise a child being that bit older..

Anyways we start hopefully on the 16th of january with all the wonderful needles and pill popping.. I find out on the 4th of january how to do it and thankfully my 16 year old has decided to come with me so she can help give me the shots as I am really not sure how I am going to stab myself every single day for 10 days! My husband sadly cannot says he cannot give me pain.. Tho snoring all night every night so I don't get a decent sleep does NOT fall into that category... ha ha ha.

So now I am just focusing on that part of our lives and hopefully moving on to a new and wonderful 2011. WE have had a pretty crappy year this 2010 so just crossing my fingers and toes that we start off on the right foot!

Wow .. its been awhile!

So I was just thinking the other day that I haven't blogged and wondered the point of it .. I think it was to empty my head of all these thoughts that trample through it 21 hours a day and while I sleep I can't even shut down.
I do ALOT of blog reading and one of those blogs is Vegan Crunk she is absolutely fantastic and love all her vegan food cannot wait for her cookbook! A few days ago I read about some iced tea that she was able to try and it sounded and looked so good I had to run and see if they would deliver some to Australia.. Guess what? They did! I got it today in the mail sooo excited to try it but now lol.. it has turned cool but we will see I am sure I will still make it and love it as it is mango and well that is my new found love! The tea company is Kungaloosh and it is environmentally friendly, people friendly (good health) and huge customer focused so happy to find something like them out there! So if there is anyone out there listening go look at their website!! If I could post websites I would so I will just write it out and you can all copy and paste! www.kungaloosh.com! Phenomenal! Thank you for your very very fast shipping ONE WEEK - U.S to Australia pretty great!

By the way we got the cutest little thing 3 weeks ago.. what do you think? By the way the kid isn't it.. she has been around for 15 years or so!

Finding Veggie food in a little country town!

Dear Sanitarium company,

I would like to ask you why its so hard to find alot of your newer products in my little town here in rural Victoria? Its very frustrating to say the least as we don't have a vehicle to travel to a bigger town even to find it there!
I want these!! Please send some to my little tiny town and tell me about it so I can go and buy a case of them.. and please let them be a bit cheaper then the sausages that I normally by as it can get pretty pricey trying to make up meals for a house full of veggie heads!

So yes thank you and maybe the internet gods will let you in on this!

Barbara.

Sigh - I am adding the link but apparently it is not meant to be.. http://www.vegiedelights.com.au/products/sausages/sundried-tomato-kalamata-olive-gourmet-vegie-sausages.aspx so there it is.. hopefully I cannot get in trouble for that!

Money

I really hate that I rely on money to see me through the day.. the week.. all the time.. It sucks that we had to buy everything all over again and its really a slow money melting time.
WE are trying to get our drivers licenses together but cant seem to find the money for the driving lessons.. then the tests.. then the car.. then rego.. Its endless.. I get so frustrated with it sometimes I just want to curl up and shake my fist at someone.. Hmm.. I do do that anyways.. poor hubby!
My little cousin is doing better in critical but stable condition still sounds pretty scary to me I am so impressed with her momma.. she is a very strong lady to be able to go through this. I was pretty lucky with both my kids..
Anyways .. lets stop with the shaking of fists and sadness right now!
Tonight I make mushroom pot pies and banana bread! Yay!... oh.. and my daughter suddenly decided she needs to become a vegan...:/... I think that is great really I do but we all just started eating meat again.. hahaha.. I guess hubs and I will finish what I just bought today at the butchers.. (Thats what made her change her mind.. haha) and we will go vegetarian again and she will follow the path of a vegan. I will do everything in my power to help her out.
Letting her leaf through my Vegan with a Vengeance cookbook and Veganomicon and 500 Vegan recipes so we can start making some wonderful dishes.. you know with my millions of dollars.. haha..
The worst part is.. she works at KFC.. poor kid.
Anyways I'll post pictures tomorrow of our wonderful feast and I will continue to go through organic seed catalogs!